Joy comes in the morning .

Day 27 – Endure _ Lent Challenge

Mother’s Day 2014 – Celebrated with a very special little person knowing preparations were underway for adoption in the following weeks , with goodbyes only a few weeks away we spent our last Mother’s Day holding onto each so tightly hardly daring to let go it was a Perfect day to be treasured .

Mothers days 2016 – left church before we even sang the first hymn, I carried home a scared and confused little person in tears  aged only 4 years old.
The reality of Mother’s Day with out their mum was just to much .
They snuggled into my shoulder and asked me why “mummy’s day was so hard” I had no words only love to give, even love was not enough but it helped.

Mother’s Day 2017 – woke up with empty arms , But a heart full of love and happiness knowing two very special little children far away where getting up excited to give cards and gifts to two very special mums that them just as much as I do.

Psalm 30.5
Weeping may endure for a night , but joy comes in the morning .

He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

Our storm has blown itself out it was due to return January 2017, it’s been a very destructive storm that has left a massive debris trail and hurt many people close to my heart.
The clearing up will take a while but with love and prayer I am sure once we start the clean up work we will truly see the light from the terrible darkness we have been living in.
As I look back over the past 6 months I see such terrible darkness and pain but I also see the light and the hope that my faith gave me . The storm strengthened my faith, my confidence grew and I realised how much love was all around me , it gave me the strength to fight for justice , strong Friendships have been formed we laughed we cried and I understood the meaning of what a church family is and the support and love they showed was beyond words .
At times I became so low only my love for god and my determination not to be beaten allowed me to function .
I still have a poorly husband but now have a husband with a reason to get better, a reason to live and a future to plan.

Today my tears of gratitude flowed , my heart is filled with hope and thanks and the wonderful feeling that god my father has encouraged me and guided in my darkness , pushed me to my outer limits but never let me fall, dried my tears and held me tight .
When the pain became to much god just held me in his arms and allowed me to sleep the more I allowed god into my life and trusted , the stronger my faith grew
We are celebrating but it’s important to remember those that are still in the darkness especially pray for those that are alone as they have to yet find the love of god.
Today the word is so beautiful and exciting full of new opportunities

Psalms 118 This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

A gift they are to afraid to unwrap.

Christmas  what does it mean to me?
Love is the first thing that comes to mind , God loves us so much he sent his son to save the word through him.
The rush to buy gifts food and make arrangements for the big day are on a massive commercial money making scale.
It’s ugly and sad, It’s not what Christmas is about and never will be.
The greatest gift we can give to one another is love .
Love is not like other gifts we give, it’s special  priceless and beautiful.
Often when you give love you get no response from from person receiving it, not a hug and thank you or even a smile .
I have given my love openly and freely to the fostered children that have been a part of our family , and it’s a gift that just keeps giving it’s so very very precious from the moment I  hold the children in my arms  to the time I  let them go it’s love that counts .
I pray that I planted enough love in their hearts that when or if they want to find gods love they will recognise it  as love and be able to start their own journey of faith.
Giving a gift that does not want to be given is not easy .
A gift  that gets pushed back and rejected  , a gift they are to afraid to unwrap as they are scared of what they might feel when they open it.
It’s a gift they have been given many times before only to have it taken away again and again .
Refusing the gift is the way they cope. But that’s not a reason not to give it.

Loving  damaged children hurts but all children need love , when I gave my love to these wonderful special children  my  faith grew and I was never alone as I had gods love every step of my journey and their is no greater love than the love of god.

So this Christmas please  pray for those adults and children that are not loved and are to scared to love, and fear love so much  they reject it and hurt and push those away that reach out to help them.

Loving god
Every child needs to be loved
Every child needs and a  future .
Help those that find love so scary they push it away
Allow them to let your love into their hearts .
Thousands of children around the world go to bed cold  hungry and scared every night.
When they awake in the morning nothing has changed for them, please show them love and kindness offer them hope and a future full of love and hope.
Amen

Corinthians 13:13

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I Daniel Blake.

 

I went into the cinema already feeling broken and tearful. Unsure if even going to see “ I Daniel Blake “ was even a good idea.
It was a strong hard hitting film; emotionally hard hitting from the start to the end.
Their was hardly a dry eye in the cinema; I left feeling angry and more determined than ever that a system that does not work would not destroy us.
The film follows Daniel Blake being destroyed and humiliated by a system that just cannot afford to care. A system that shows no love and compassion and offers no hope for the future. It’s grim depressing and unrelenting but should be seen by everyone .
I felt the need to protect my broken husband from that system. A system that would lower his self esteem even further, that would cause even more pain and upset.
I worry every day that I will lose my husband to depression. I will not add even more pressure to his life and see him destroyed even further suffering at the hands of the DWP.
He needs his confidence boasted not lowered, he needs to be valued as a person and respected for what he knows and what he can offer society.
He is a wonderful, caring, honest, hard working person and a child of God and loved by God .
I will trust in God to guide me through our dark days and being part of a supportive church family we can survive this a come out the other end.

I Trust Love And Believe .

God is with me I feel it: I am loved, a deep unconditional love that’s so strong it’s hard to describe.
I feel so sad and so broken-hearted I can’t see a way up .
I pray and trust God to watch over me. I understand this process of pain has a purpose and only by trusting God will I come out the other end a stronger better person .
My prayers offer me comfort and security, I am a child of God and trust my loving father .
How do I allow what I truly feel to come out. I want to scream cry and fall into gods arms and be held tight until I am strong enough to get back up.
I want a safe place to allow myself to just let go to cry out the pain to allow God into my broken heart to start the process of healing.

20 Short Minutes .

 

 

Today has left me feeling confused and upset. I got to say my goodbyes to my special little person. Twenty short minutes to say everything I needed to say, and said none it.
It was a staged managed process, felt as it was just done to tick boxes.
I said what was expected of me and I got the answers I wanted to hear.
I did not listen to my heart I was grateful for the time but unsure what it achieved or if it done either of us any good. I prayed for the strength to get through today. I need to learn listen to the voice inside me and be stronger and not follow the crowd and say what I feel.
I am normally good at this but today I became a week little mouse and feel disappointed in myself.
This time I did not turn my back on this person, but never got to tell them how much I love and care for them no that I had no choice in any of the life changing decisions made for them.
I wanted to hold them, never let go, pray with them. That was never going to happen. We where watched a closely supervised for 20 short minutes .
I am so tired and exhausted being positive all the time. Fighting the negative, Smiling when it’s hurting, looking deep inside myself every day to find beauty something however small that might be.
I hold my tears just below the surface. The pain is so deep in my heart I don’t think it will ever go away .
The holy spirt a part of me and a gift from God. It’s is stronger than the pain and hurt ( most of the time )
I need to learn to listen to the holy spirit and not to my own desires

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”

Psalms 73:26 NLT

Empty Arms And Empty Hearts That Last Forever.

Writing helps me on so many levels, it helps me understand what is happening in my life and if I am lucky why it’s happening .
Writing has boosted my confidence and has allowed my mind and heart to stay open to follow Jesus .
Reading my early blogs reminds me of the pain and the journey travelled so far.
It was suggested I write my own psalm.
I prayed before I wrote it and had no idea what to write about while I prayed I wrote down lots of words adoption was written down many times.
Adoption is a subject I am very passionate about and it’s how I found my faith and I do believe it is a pure act of faith to care for his children as he cared for us.

Adoption .
Joy of life and new beginnings.
Pain grief sorrow and loss.
A double aged sword with no winners .
Confused scared and frightened.
Follow love and trust the Lord.
It’s a gift from God.
To give to one you must take from another.
The loss of a child pains the heart and mind.
Never to see hold or touch that child again.
Empty arms and empty hearts that last forever.
The chid does not understand .
New destinations, we put our trust in you to guide us through these times.
Happy times sad times with dead ends and darkness.
Times when theirs only a dim glimmer of light we trust and follow you.
We are all your children.
Adotion works because of love and trust .
We love and trust you with open hearts and minds.
Love over powers fear.
Faith over powers failure .
As we love and hold our children, just as you love and hold us in life.
Rejoice the new destinations and open hearted family’s.
Remember those left behind with empty arms.

Cold And Confused

Not sleeping makes me so exhausted, dreams that torment my inner thoughts are all taking its toll on my ability to function.
I replay the last time we were together, I watch myself in slow motion get up and turn my back on the person I loved so much. I told them to trust me and I turned my back and walked away. I did not look back nor was I tempted to.
Last night I went to our local church yard and sat leaning against the cross of our family grave.
The church yard looked beautiful at night, I wanted to pray for the people that have been so hurt by recent events. Sleep once again stopped me; stepped in and protected me from the pain and the hurt. The church bell woke me up at 10pm and I walked home cold and confused.
I have sleeping tablets but have only taken one as I don’t want to relay on medication to function. I want to find enough inner strength to cope with life. I don’t want medication to effect my judgement and ability to listen and pray. My head needs to be clear as my heart needs to be open to gods perfect love.
Patience time love and sleep are some of the things that will help heal my broken hurt.
I am not even sure if it will mend completely or I will just learn to live with the pain and be able to function with a broken heart. The pain I am suffering feels like it will last a lifetime.

Building Walls to Protect Myself.

I have been slowly building a little wall around my heart. Protecting my myself from grief and more pain, the wall has just been breached and it hurts like crazy .
The pain is once again in my chest and heart. It hurts because I got caught out by something so simple and unexpected .
I got complaisant, I thought my walls where high enough to let some love in but not enough to get hurt again.
I had stopped building and planning where to build the next wall. No longer looking for slips and trips life was ok.
I feel foolish for allowing this to happen and not sure how to pick myself up of the floor and rebuild my walls.
Deep down I know building walls is not the answer if tears are what is needed than they should flow and I need to be true to myself. I cannot be open to love or God behind a wall however small it might be, my heart needs love to heal.
I need to stay focused to be able to allow Jesus to walk along side me and guide me on the path he has chosen for me .
I can’t do that behind Wall!

Sleep Protects Me.

It’s been a tough week, praying has just been something I do as part of my daily routine. I have been praying in the evening just before bed and end up falling asleep sat on the floor. Every night I fall asleep in the arms of my father wrapped and protected in his love. I have no words or thoughts left but sleep.
Trying to pray for the person I grieve for is to painful. Sleep protects me from that pain but it has left me feeling unconnected to God. Strangely I feel more connected with the world around me.
I seem more positive and productive almost coping. I still need to be able to get a balance, be able to Pray reflect and see the beauty that surrounds me.
Last night I ran and ran prayed came home feeling connected and relieved. This morning I woke full of pain and tears. It seems every time I allow myself to connect and pray emotionally I fall apart .
Today I feel so very loved by God. Not alone and ready to face the worries that are ahead of me, living constantly on the verge of tears. I want to be with my thoughts and prayers, I can’t focus on work my mind just wonders to prayer .
Can’t seem to get a balance where I can function and pray.
Maybe I am being impatient, just not ready yet to deal with reality of life.
Today I sat under the yew tree in our local church yard. Praying outside in the sunshine with my lovely dog just snuggled up to me.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.